For those of you that have been following me for the past few years, thanks for stickin around. For those of you who don't know me, welcome to my roller coaster. :)
I believe that everything happens in life exactly when it's supposed to. Just like the culmination of events that has made me realize today that I have officially hit rock bottom. Not in life altogether, but in regards to my health. I started noticing a few months ago that I had really let myself go. I have been in complete denial. When you sit on the floor and bend over to tie your shoes and think, "Whoa, where did that gut come from??"...that's a hint that you need to wake up. A gut doesn't grow overnight, just like gaining a crapton of weight doesn't happen overnight.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped weighing myself. I also stopped looking in my full-length mirror. I stopped caring about me.
I went on a hike with my husband and dad a couple of days ago. I had every intention of it being a leisurely stroll in the wilderness, but that isn't what happened. We hiked over 5 miles. I. Was. Dying. When we got to the top, the view was incredible. My husband wanted to take a picture of me, and I kept refusing but he insisted. So, I slapped on a fake smile and stood there. I couldn't understand why he wanted to take a picture of me and my gross self. As we started heading back, I noticed that I was having pains. My knees, hips, and lower back were killing me. I had a scratch on my arm from a tree. I felt like crap, not only physically but on the inside too. I realized in that moment that I had let myself get out of control. I wanted to cry. See - I used to be a firecracker, I could do anything. Not now. Now I'm like a dadgum blob with absolutely no self esteem. I've gotten really good at faking confidence, but the truth is...I have zip.
I never imagined that starting a business almost 2 years ago would change so many aspects of my life. I can honestly say that 2014 and 2015 feel like one big blur. I'm not even ready for it to be January. My Christmas tree is still up yall, and yes - I still plug the lights in at night. I've noticed that instead of me running my business, it has been running me. My phone is dinging constantly with notifications...emails, social media, texts, calls...demanding my attention. I went from working 40 hours a week to working non-stop and endless hours. I'm very thankful that my business has grown so quickly, don't get me wrong...but being at everyone's beckon call constantly has worn me smooth out. If you're always taking care of everyone and everything else, how are you supposed to take care of yourself? Catch my drift?
So, for my own purposes of looking back on this blog one day for motivation, here's a list of things I'm tired of:
- wearing the same clothes all the time because nothing else fits...but not wanting to buy anything new because I have a closet full of things I want to get back into one day
- getting out of breath from hardly doing anything
- having pain from bending over to tie my shoes
- feeling insecure over stupid things
- not wanting to be in pictures
- not being able to fit in the bathtub quite like I used to
- feeling like I'm boring because I don't want to to as many active things as I used to
- my bra cutting into my back and doubling my amount of existing rolls
- hiding on the couch
- not liking my reflection
I'm approaching this with a different mindset this time. I'm choosing to keep it simple and stop expecting perfection out of myself. I'm going to change my eating habits and move more. I'm going to make taking care of myself a priority again. That's it!
So, tomorrow is Day 1. Day 1 of digging myself out of this hole I ate myself into. Day 1 of getting my confidence back. Day 1 of becoming the person I want and deserve to be. I'm starting over for the last time.
