So, as far as thinking about past failures...most of this has to do with food choices. I have issues with food...always have. I won't go into detail right now, but let's just say that food is my "go-to" when stressed...and I have been super stressed lately. So, I have been stuffing my face...which leads to guilt trips...which leads to stress...which leads to food...which leads to...see? It's a vicious cycle. All of the craziness with food choices leads to me not reaching my fitness goals, and self-doubt starts to creep in...along with feelings of insecurity and not being "good enough". Good enough for what? Heck if I know.
When it comes to fearing the future...I feel like a huge part of this comes from knowing that after March 3, I will only have one year left to be a "20 something". Growing up, I always thought I'd have my life figured out by the time I was 25. HA! Not so much. I also always thought I'd be a young and cool Mom, driving a black Tahoe with 2 kids in the back, sportin spandex and lookin fine. That hasn't happened either. I also thought I would be living in a big house with a wrap-around porch where I can sit outside with my hubs, drink sweet tea, and watch the sun go down. Not yet either. Does all that sound superficial? I don't know, but that's just what I've always envisioned. None of it has happened yet, and that's okay...maybe it will one day and maybe it won't.
One thing that HAS come true is being a business owner. While it's amazing and a blessing, it scares me half to death. It's kind of like running in the dark. There are so many "unknowns" that come with starting a business that it can be overwhelming. Quite honestly, that's how I've felt lately...completely and utterly o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d. Thinking about all of the business components - advertising, social media, accounting, marketing, etc. - is enough to make me go cross-eyed. Then, thinking about how it's up to me to provide flowers to a bride on her wedding day that will make her happy is super nerve-wracking. Have I done this thousands of times? Yes, but never under my name...always for someone else. This time, this business is alllll on my shoulders. I carry the responsibilities of the entire process, and it's a LOT of pressure. Why do I put so much pressure on myself regarding the business? Because I CARE. So, not only do I have the pressure of making my business successful, I also have the pressure of wanting to accomplish a million things before the "big 3-0". Even saying that just sounds weird...how am I seriously going to be 30 next year?
Anywaaaays...allllll of this reflecting on the past and having anxiety about the future has taken a serious toll on me mentally and physically. My mind is constantly running a million miles a minute, I haven't been getting enough sleep, and I have gained some weight...and I'm not talkin from muscles, I'm talkin from my ole buddy fluff. I have been avoiding the scale, and when I stepped on it this morning, I was like this...
...not cool. I know I know...that number doesn't mean everything, but dadgum. That weight didn't come from gettin ripped, it came from gettin fluffy. Blah.
So, with it being the new year and all...I have been in quite the predicament on my "New Years Resolutions". Typically, I make this long list of things that I fully intend on accomplishing...which somehow usually fizzles out and doesn't end up happening. A few weeks ago, I posted about all these things I was wanting to do. Ever since then, I have been wondering...should I seriously try and tackle ALL of that? Do I need that extra stress? Am I being realistic? Then I think, well yeah cause that's just what you do at the new year...you make goals and try to accomplish them. Well, I have finally come to a decision. Instead of expecting myself to be superwoman, I'm choosing to focus on ONE health/fitness goal. Are you ready for it?....drumroll......budududududududu......
Get below 16% body fat.
Ching!
That's it. No more little mini challenges with myself. No more contemplating crazy obstacle course races. No more certain weight on the scale. No more particular clothes size. Just a body fat percentage goal.
The last time I had my body fat tested, it was in August, and I was at 24.6%. I have no idea what I'm at now, but I'd probably guess around 28%.
Besides shooting to melt some serious fat off my body, I am choosing one phrase to focus on for this whole year:
Live in the moment.
I'm really tired of dwelling on my past and how I could've done better, and I'm tired of worrying myself sick about possibly failing in the future. I'm just done with it. It's not helping me at all, doing me any good, and it's hindering me from being able to accomplish what I need to do in the present.
I've been reading a book called The Power of Now that my coach recommended to me a while back, and I'm only 71 pages in but have learned some really valuable tips on how to focus on the NOW. Here are a few of the things I've highlighted so far:
"Accept-then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life."
"This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now. You are in the here and now, while your mind is in the future. This creates an anxiety gap. And if you are identified with your mind and have lost touch with the power and simplicity of the Now, that anxiety gap will be your constant companion."
"The more you are focused on time - past and future - the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is."
I've got quite a bit more to read in the book, and I'm looking forward learning more. It's amazing how reading and really thinking about things can change your whole perspective.
In this very moment, I'm thankful for my current situation. I have a loving husband, the sweetest dog, a supportive family, a badass coach, amazing friends, a steady job, a growing business, a place to call home, and I'm alive.
Am I taking an unconventional approach to 2015? Probably so. But I'm not conventional. :) I'm just choosing to do what's best for me. Right now, that means wiping the slate clean, focusing on the present, and doing my best...one. day. at. a. time.
Here's to you, 2015!
