Just Do YOU!

This year has not been all rainbows and happy times like I had planned, in fact - it's probably been one of my most difficult years yet.  There have been tons of ups and downs, lots of huge changes, and some dark and lonely moments.  I was on the phone with my Dad a few days ago, talking about the crazy lady in my previous post (update on that below) and he said something that stuck with me, "Don't ever waste a crisis."  At the time, I was like yeah yeah...use the rough times as a learning experience, blah blah...but the more I thought about it, the more I realized something huge...

I need to get back to just being me and doing my own thing.  

 

It's in my nature to be a people-pleaser and want everyone to like me.  I don't like conflict.  I don't like it when people are mad at me.  I don't like it when people are disappointed in me.  I don't like it when people try to change me.  But you know what??  I'm friggin' tired of trying to please EVERYone.  I've learned the hard way that there are folks out there that just aren't going to like me or the decisions I make.  There are people who are going to try and knock the wind out of my sails and make me feel incapable of pursuing things.  Unfortunately, that's just a part of life.  I've accepted it.  Now, I'm going to get back to doing what's best for me.  If somebody doesn't like me, the way I do things, or how I act...sorry, have a nice day somewhere else!  

I have gotten SO wrapped up in worrying about everyone else's opinion of me that I have lost my edge.  You can't base how you feel about yourself off of other people's opinions of you, or you will drive yourself crazy.  Opinions are just opinions anyway, not facts.  Life is too short to be so dang worried about other people.  All you can do is be yourself, do your thing, and forget the rest.  

That being said, guess who's upping the intensity of her routine?  This girl. 

I'm going to make time for going to the weight room again, increase the weight I'm using during my morning workouts, and add in more cardio.  In 114 days, I will be stepping on a ship to sail away into the Caribbean with my man (first vacation alone in years), and you can bet your bikini that I'm not spending an entire trip uncomfortable in my own skin!  It's overwhelming to think of how much work I've got to do to get this fluff off, but I'm not going to let it scare me.  I've lost this crap before and I can do it again.  Just one day at a time...

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For those of you that are wondering what ever happened with crazy face in my last post...she ended up being able to take $2900 away from me.  100% BS?  Yep.  Could I take her to court and fight to get it back?  Yes.  Is it worth the lawyer fees, my time, and the energy?  I don't think so.  Is this the end of it?  I sure as heck hope so. 

Taking Back Control

I just want to start out by saying that this is a pretty long post...had to get a lot off my chest!

I'd say it's pretty obvious that my life has been a struggle lately.  April was pretty much an all-time low for me, especially the last week of it.  I've been hesitant to share a lot of what's been going on out of fear, but I just can't hold it in anymore. 

As yall know, I started a wedding flower business last year.  This has been a life-long dream of mine, and I decided to go for it.  I have a steady full-time job, where I work Monday-Friday from 8-5.  So, I figured that I would just be busy on some weekends and a few evenings.  HA!  Running a business with another job on top of it is no joke.  The time I used to spend working out, prepping meals, doing laundry, having fun, and relaxing began to disappear little by little.  It was okay with me because I was goin full-speed ahead...I was on the success train, with nothing to stop me.  Yeah, I started getting a little fluffy, but I didn't care because I was accomplishing a dream.  I started booking weddings left and right, getting asked to do photoshoots and open houses, getting approached by advertising companies, and the emails flooded in.  I was beyond excited!  I even booked a huge wedding at a very high-end golf club in Horseshoe Bay, and the clients I was working with were super nice.  We would text and email each other several times a day, and we all couldn't wait for the big day!  I worked with them for 6 months, planning all the details with the flowers, and finalizing all the little things.  Leading up to the wedding, I started having a hard time falling asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about how excited I was!  I worked 2.5 days at my full-time job, then I switched into flower-mode.  The flowers arrived at my studio, I'd say a good 25 boxes full (that's a ton of flowers).  These flowers were flown in from all over...Japan, Holland, Chile, and Florida.  I processed them, making sure they all looked perfect and then began working on the designs.  I started with the bride's bouquet, which I always do first because let's face it...that is one of the MOST important things on that day!  It was absolutely gorgeous.  I worked until midnight the first night.  Then, I got up at 7 and worked until 3am the next two days.  That's right - 4 hours of sleep, two days in a row.  The night before the wedding, I remember very clearly...I was sitting on an empty bucked turned upside down, re-reading the final invoice to make sure I hadn't missed a single thing (mind you, this invoice was 5 pages long).  I was surrounded by flowers and greenery, it was about 3:30am, and I got this sinking feeling in my stomach.  I immediately thought to myself, "what if they hate everything?"...and I cried.  I knew that what I had made was beautiful, but I just had this gut feeling that something bad could happen.  I prayed, told myself to shut up, walked home with my flashlight (my studio is just down the driveway), took a shower, and went to sleep for about 3 hours.  Then, I got up and went back to my studio to finish up some last-minute things and begin loading up the box truck.  My husband was by my side to help me with the loading, and my parents and grandma came over with breakfast tacos and to follow us to the venue.  We were all loaded up, and headed out.  From the minute we got to the venue, it was busy busy busy.  Me and my little team worked super hard to install all the flowers!  On top of the centerpieces and everything else, we made this AWESOME flower chandelier that was 5.5' in width at the top, and hung down about 7'.  It. Was. Gorgeous.  The mother of the bride even told my parents that I had exceeded her expectations, that she just loved having me as the florist, and that I should toot my own horn more!  I was on top of the world!!  Receiving compliments from my clients makes all of those long hours of hard work, no sleep, and stress alllllll worth it. 

A few days after the wedding, I emailed the bride and her mother - thanking them both for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a special occasion.  The response I got from them changed me.  They said some of the most hurtful and unimaginable things I've ever heard, here's just a few of those things they said..... that I ruined the wedding, I was unprofessional and a poor amateur, anyone off the street could have done a better job than me, that I didn't care, that I committed fraud, that they were heartbroken, that the "mess" I created would be forever etched into their memory of what could have been a perfect wedding, that I made them sick, and to top things off  -  that having my family work with me was an embarassment.

When I read all of these things, I was in complete shock.  I didn't receive one complaint on the day of the wedding, in fact - just compliments!  So, reading all of that took me by total surprise and totally crushed me.  I knew nothing I said in a response to them would make them happy, so I kept it short, sweet, and professional.  They requested the photographers not send me any pictures from that day, so I won't even get to see how beautiful everything looked.  Now, they have gone so far as to request a "chargeback" from their credit card company, for the full amount of the flowers.  Basically, if it's approved - I'll be taking a huge hit financially.  I've done all I can do to defend myself, and now it's just a waiting game and out of my hands at this point.  It could take another month before I hear an answer.

I'm not sure if I will ever understand the motives behind these people, or how they could do such a thing after looking me in the eye and telling me that they just loved me.  I'd be lying if I said that this experience hasn't made me question whether or not I should continue pursuing my dream.  I've become fearful of future clients, wondering if they are going to butter me up the same way then stab me in the back.  I've began to doubt my abilities as a business owner.  I started drinking a little, not just on the weekends.  I have been clinging on to bitterness and anger towards these people for a month.  I've started eating even more junk food, stuffing down my feelings.  I have felt completely and utterly defeated.  My heart has hardened a bit.  The whole time all this crap has been going on, I have been getting even busier.  I literally can't keep up with my business emails, and I've got a constant line of brides waiting on quotes.  So, instead of driving my success train, I've been hanging off the caboose of it by one little finger!  But hey, at least it's still going - right?

Although this experience isn't completely behind me yet, I have learned A TON.  I've learned that I have an awesome husband and an amazing family.  My husband has been by my side through this whole thing, listening to me vent and trying to encourage me.  My family has been there to help me fight, and taught me how to protect myself from evil people.  I've also learned that I can say "no" to clients I don't want to work with.  If I run across anyone who I even THINK might have a crazy flag...I politely decline, and let them go fly their crazy flag somewhere else!  Not every client is a good match for me, and that's okay.  I've learned to never give up, to keep showing up, and to always stand up for what I believe in.  I've learned that you can't trust most folks, and when you find friends you can lean on - let them know you appreciate them.  I've learned that there is evil in this world, and it doesn't just come in the form of a boogey man. 

So, as if I wasn't struggling enough with balancing my life - all of that happened on top of it.  I have had to give up boot camp because I just don't have time to make it during the week due to photoshoots, etc.  I haven't been eating right because frankly, I haven't cared.  I have been extremely down, depressed even.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I'm sick of wearing the same clothes all the time, and I hate feeling so BLAH!!!!!  So, I have two choices here...either keep stuffing my feelings down with food and pretending I'm okay, or take control and make a change.  I'm choosing to take control and change. 

 

I used to watch a tv show called Tone It Up, it was a reality show about two trainers in California starting their business.  I decided that I'm going to try things their way for a while, and I bought some of their products.  I'm going to HEB after work today to buy some healthy groceries and new foods.  Starting tomorrow, I am going to start getting up early, and doing workouts with their DVD's.  They workout on the beach, so hey - what better way to start the day than on the beach, right?!  I took my measurements last night, and weighed myself this morning.  I'm officially the fluffiest and heaviest I've ever been.  Woo. 

We all have to start somewhere, and even though I'm starting over (again), at least I'm starting.  It's time for me to stop letting my life run me, and for me to start running my life again!!  No more of this being down on myself crap.  I.  Am.  Done.