My Latest Adventures

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written a blog post!  Have I mentioned that my life has been nuts this entire year?  I keep waiting on things to slow down, but they don't! 

A few weeks ago, I took the opportunity to go on a trip to Las Vegas with my Dad.  He just so happened to have a business seminar the same week of a business seminar that I wanted to attend, so I went with him!  It was my first trip to Vegas, and I can sum it up in one word...whoa.  I'm a small town girl, and from the minute I stepped into that Vegas airport and saw slot machines...I knew I was I for a whoooole new experience.  There were flashing lights, slot machines, people, and just STUFF everywhere.  I felt like a country bumpkin done come to town yall, lol.  I had to ride in taxis by myself, which was a little scary...cause you have to trust that those dudes are going to take you where you want to go, and the rides are expensive!  It was an awesome week though.  I attended the Wedding MBA Convention, and I learned a ton on how to run my business successfully.  I met people from all over, and was so inspired!!  It was a bit challenging trying to keep up with emails and quotes during the week, and I spent each night staying up late drawing sketches for my brides.  My Dad and I walked the strip almost every night, just going to different restaurants and seeing new things.  We went to a Cirque de Soleil show...which was awesome!!  All in all, it was a great week...and I really enjoyed spending time with Dad.  It flew by, and when we arrived back in Austin...I stepped into the airport and smelled BBQ, and breathed a sigh of relief!  Nothing feels more like home than the smell of good ole Texas BBQ!

The next day was spent getting ready for a vacation with my hubs.  Then, we headed to Galveston at 5am to go get on our cruise!  We hadn't been on a vacation with just the two of us since our honeymoon, and it's been almost 5 years now...so it was long overdue and much needed.  We had a blast!!  In fact, we had so much fun that we booked another one for next year as soon as we got home.  :) 

In the midst of all the travelling, I was able to finish a book I had started a while ago called You're Already Amazing.  It was such a good read, and a great reminder of lots of things.  I highlighted words all over the book, but one phrase in particular really stood out to me:

Time is a relentless river.  It rages on, a respecter of no one.  And this, this is the only way to slow time:  When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention.  I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here.  I can slow the torrent by being all here.  I only live the full life when I fully live in the moment.


So true, right?  It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of our everyday lives that we forget to focus on the NOW.  This is a huge struggle for me because I have a million things going on in my head all the time, that I forget to focus on what's right in front of me.  Being on vacation really made me realize that I need to work on that.  Instead of worrying about business emails, trying to stay caught up on social media, and staying busy...I turned my phone off, put it in the room's safe, and didn't touch it until we docked in Galveston a week later.  Can I just say...it was amazing.  I was actually able to relax, able to breathe, and able to think clearly about one thing at a time. 

While our cruise was absolutely amazing, I couldn't help but think about my weight loss/gain journey quite a bit.  For those of you that don't know - I actually met my husband on a cruise.  So, cruises are really special to us.  When we met, I was wearing sundresses, bikinis, shorts, and all that cruisey type stuff with no problem!  This cruise was much different...I was extremely uncomfortable with myself, physically.  I couldn't wear a sundress without my legs rubbing together so much when I walked that it hurt.  I couldn't wear a bikini without shorts.  I didn't want to do lots of things simply out of being uncomfortable.  I actually cried when we got to Cozumel because the only thing I felt comfortable wearing was stupid yoga pants and a tshirt.  My husband was right there for me, and he told me to just wear whatever the heck I wanted and stop trying to impress anybody.  So, that's what I did for the rest of the week.  Makeup became way less important, as did what I was wearing.  I just let loose.  I managed to have a great time, all thanks to a husband who loves me for me. 

So, instead of beating myself up and having a pity party about the weight I have gained this year...I'm choosing to do something about it.  I cleaned out the fridge and pantry last week, and stocked up on healthy foods. I started tracking my food in My Fitness Pal again.  I have worked out.  I'm taking baby steps.  I came back from the trip fired up to lose this dang weight once and for all, and my motivation has already started to dissipate thanks to old habits.  Luckily, I caught wind of a Fat Loss Challenge...and I am weighing in tomorrow!  I think this is a perfect time for me to join a challenge, and it will definitely give me a good kickstart to losing this layer of fluff.  Tomorrow is when things get serious with this.  I'm sick and tired of saying it, it's time to just do it.

I know I've said a million times that I'm ready to lose the weight, but being on that cruise and not being comfortable sealed the deal for me.  I've already got my countdown going and a goal outfit pinned to the wall in our bedroom....see :)

Those shorts and that shirt look really small to me and impossible to fit into...but I'm giving myself almost a whole year to get there!  Big goals are accomplished by small goals, right?  So, I have broken it down into phases, with each phase being 81 days:

Phase 1 End Date: 12/27/15
• Goal: lose 20 pounds


Phase 2 End Date:  3/17/16
• Goal:  lose 15 pounds


Phase 3 End Date:  6/6/16
• Goal:  lose 15 pounds


Phase 4 End Date:  8/26/16
• Goal:  lose 10 pounds
 

When I was at my personal best, I weighed 148 pounds.  I was lean, strong, and had muscles.  I want to feel like that again, but I'm taking it a step further and shooting to be 140 pounds.  Along with watching that number, I will be taking measurements, keeping up with body fat testing, and taking progress pics along the way.

I don't want to be skinny, I want to be a lean mean machine!  :)  I'm going to be working towards increasing my muscle mass while dropping body fat.  If you are following along and have read this far, I'm going to ask you to do me a favor...PLEASE encourage me along the way!!!  :) 

I'm getting off of my safe harbor and sailing out on a whole new adventure in the morning, it's time to take care of myself again...

 

:)

I'm Baaaaack!!!

 

About a month ago, I decided to take a step back from my "fluff page" and blogging.  I was in the midst of making a life-changing decision, and I was caught in a cycle of crazy stress.  I quit my day job, I was adjusting to being a full-time entrepreneur, and trying to find myself again. 

 

Instead of taking care of myself in the months prior to me quitting my job, all I did was turn to food to solve my problems.  Food became a crutch for me, and a source of comfort...when ultimately, all it was doing was hurting me.  I felt stuck, stuck between flying and a fear of failure.  I knew in my gut what I needed to do, was scared out of my mind...and did it anyway.  I can honestly say that leaving my job was one of the best decisions I have ever made. 

 

In the weeks since I left my job, my life has changed for the better.  Instead of just surviving, I decided that I wanted to start LIVING again. 

I decided to go back to boot camp at Plates on Plates Fitness.  I decided to mend my relationship with food.  I decided to stop drinking as much.  I decided to stop letting little things stress me out.  I decided to stop making decisions out of fear.  I decided to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  I decided to become a better person.  I decided to thrive.

 

My mom sent me a video one day on Facebook, and I have watched it every day since.  I can't watch it without tears coming to my eyes because it pretty much describes me and where I'm at in life right now.  It's about 6 minutes long, but totally worth watching.

 

 

 

You see, I'm done putting my dreams on hold.  I'm done with living in fear of failure.  I know my passion, my goals, and what I want. 


I can.  I can.  I CAN!

Taking a Leap of Faith

Let me just start off by saying that this post is a big deal to me, and it feels amazing to get all of this off my chest.  :)  Blogging has become a therapy of sorts for me, I don't know what the reason why is, but it works.

So, I've got lots going on in my little world right now.  My life has been pretty crazy since January.  My emotions have been all over the place, and my daily routine went out the window.  I started my job as a government employee in March of 2013...working 8-5, M-F, as an Administrative Associate.  It provided stability, an opportunity to have a steady routine, benefits, and a dependable paycheck.  I made some friends that will most likely be around forever, learned a lot about myself, and grew both professionally and personally.  Since I knew my routine, I knew I could add in a workout routine.  So I did.  I went to bootcamp after work about 4 days a week, and on Saturdays.  I lost a lot of weight, gained a lot of muscle, and changed from the inside out.  Pretty soon, I started getting an empty feeling - like something wasn't being fulfilled, I just didn't know what.  

I had a conversation with my Dad one day that changed everything.  We were at my sister's house, painting the nursery for her second kiddo, and we were talking about my passion as a floral designer.  You see, I went through 4 years of college at Texas A&M (who8p!) and graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Horticulture, with a Minor in Business.  My lifelong dream has been to be an entrepreneur, owning and operating my own floral design studio specializing in weddings and events.  I have half-heartedly tried several times, but never really believed in myself enough to do it.  While painting that day, my Dad said, "What are you waiting for?".  I didn't have an answer.  A few months later, I was applying for a sales tax ID, brainstorming business names, looking at websites, and taking the steps to start a business.  And I did.  My husband and I had a mason jar that we had been putting money into to save up for having a baby, and we decided that I should use that money to start a business instead.  So, we bought a portable building that would become my studio, business cards, a website, and a few other essentials.  I signed up for my first Bridal Extravaganza a few months later, and had my very first booth in September to help kick things off.  I asked a dear friend from boot camp to come help me work the booth, and it was so incredibly fun!  I started getting phone calls, emails started flooding in, and business started to pick up.  Pretty soon, I was booking weddings left and right, working on quotes and design sketches, and meeting new people.  It was so exciting!!!  I couldn't believe that people actually wanted ME, little old me, to do their flowers on their wedding days.  Crazy.  

As business grew from a part-time job to a full-time job, all of my spare time started growing thin.  I stopped working out because when I got off of work, I had to go home and work on quotes and get caught up on emails.  My weekends weren't for relaxing and having fun any more, they were for working and weddings.  I started getting stressed out...really stressed out.  So, I started eating...and drinking.  I stopped taking care of myself.  Business continued to thrive, but I was becoming someone I didn't like.  Constantly stressed, irritable, and exhausted.  I gained almost 50 pounds, lost my sense of confidence, and myself.  Going to work full-time in an administrative position on top of running my business became TOO MUCH.  I knew something had to give.  So, I started thinking...what if I quit my full-time job?

Whenever I would think about leaving my full-time job, it scared me - so I would brush it off.  Then people started asking me, "so, when are you going to quit your job and just run your business?".  I'd just tell them I didn't know, because I didn't.  The thought of leaving that steady paycheck, the retirement, the benefits, and the sense of security was not something I thought was actually possible.  But things kept happening.  Emails started flooding in more than ever, brides kept booking right when I was beginning to doubt myself, photographers kept asking me to participate in photoshoots, and I kept noticing signs while out and about that said things like "Life is short. Do what you love.".  The burden of working two full-time jobs started to weigh heavily on me more than ever.  I tried to ignore the thought of leaving my government job, but I just couldn't ignore it any longer.  I needed a plan, a strategy to escape the concrete castle, a way to get out from behind that desk.  I reached out to a dear friend and mentor of mine, Karen, the owner of Blonde Faith Salon.  For some reason, she had been on my mind so I sent her a message asking for business advice.  A few days later, my husband and I were at a nice restaurant with her and her husband...discussing my business.  It was lifechanging.  We put everything on paper, looked at the numbers, how my time was being spent, the potential, and all of the possibilities.  They both asked me, "What is it that you're afraid of?".  Really, I was afraid of losing the steady paycheck.  But, after looking at how my time was being spent and seeing how leaving my government job would give me 40 more hours a week to work on my business and potentially double my income...my mind was made up.  I knew what I had to do. 

I woke up the next morning feeling invigorated.  It was like the clouds had parted, and I could SEE.  

After lots of prayer and thoroughly discussing everything with my husband, my parents, and a few close friends - I wrote my resignation letter.  I knew it was going to be difficult to submit, but it needed to happen.  So, I went to my supervisor's office, closed the door, and the first thing she said was, "you're not quitting."  We talked for a long time over the next few days, discussing things like pay, my schedule, and everything I was risking.  I talked with my boss as well, discussing the same things.  It was a rough few days.  I ate a lot.  I drank.  I cried.  I was sad.  After thinking about it all just ONE more time, I knew what I was doing was right.  So, I let them know that I was going to continue with my resignation.  I will be working as a government employee until July 31.  Then, I will be free.

Free to fly.  Free to grow.  Free to do whatever the heck I want to do.  The thought of waking up when I choose, making my own schedule, and working when I feel like it is exciting and scary all at once.  It's exciting because the possibilities are endless, but scary because I know myself and my habits.  I will be at home, alone, a lot more.  I will be tempted to sleep in, eat junk, lounge on the couch, and be lazy.  On the flip-side...what's awesome is that I will have control of my schedule.  

If I want to go workout for 2 hours every day, I can.  This is my time.  My time to grow, time to learn, time to LIVE.  You'd better believe that I will be putting myself back together, piece by piece, and becoming a better and stronger person not only for myself but for my husband, family, and clients.  It's going to take a lot of self-discipline to work from home, but I can do it.  I believe in myself.  Over the next few weeks, I am going to be rearranging some furniture, getting organized, and turning our spare bedroom into an office.  

While there are several huge risks involved in taking this step, I know in my heart that I am doing what God wants me to do.  Too many things have happened leading up to this that can only be explained by Him.  This is completely out of my comfort zone and although I'm scared out of my mind about lots of things, I keep waking up in the mornings excited...about the limitless possibilities and the adventure I am about to embark on!!!  No, I don't have all the answers, but the man upstairs does.  I know it won't be sunshine and rainbows all the time, and I know I've got some obstacles ahead.  I also know that I've got an amazing support system. 

So I am taking a huge leap of faith, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter of life!  Wish me luck!  Oh, and if you want to see what I do - click here. 

 

PS - if there are any angel investors out there...here's my email:  kelli@sweetwaterstems.com ...just sayin ;)

AdvoCare

Soooo guess what I did?  I signed up to be a Distributor with AdvoCare.  *insert eye roll*  I know what you're thinking..."great, now she's going to be inviting me to stupid parties and trying to make me buy crap".  False.  I have totally "been there, done that" with other companies like Mary Kay and Scentsy (no offense to those out there who are a part of either of these).  There are people who have been wildly successful being sales people with those companies, and that's great.  I'm not one of them.  I'm not into the whole pyramid scheme stuff. 
 
I didn't sign up so I could be a pushy sales person and shove stuff in people's faces.  I have two jobs already, I don't want another one. 

I signed up for a few reasons:

1.  I've heard great things about the products.
2.  I want to experiment with new supplements.
3.  I can get a 20% discount on everything.

That's all.  

I just got my first two boxes of stuff in over the weekend, and I haven't tried anything yet.  If I like what I use, I will be posting reviews and pics as I go! 

:)

Jumping Back on the IIFYM Wagon!

Hey, it's time to get real.  I mean, really real....for real.  

Chances are, I have no idea who you are or why you're reading this, but you are.  I'm about to share some things about myself that I'm not proud of, but they are the truth and are things I've been hiding behind guilt and shame.  Why am I doing this?  I don't know, I just want to.  So, what's up?

I like food.  A lot.  Not all foods, but lots of them...mostly cheesy stuff and sweet stuff.  Call me "picky" or whatever, I don't care.  I could live on cheez-its with melted cheese, queso and tortilla chips, and chocolate.  Seriously.  

I'm an emotional eater.  When I'm happy, I eat.  When I'm sad, I eat.  When I'm stressed out, I eat.  Food Food Food.  In my face.  

I like to eat alone.  If nobody is watching me, there's nobody to judge me.  In my car in a parking lot.  On the couch after my husband is in bed.  I can stuff my face with as much junk as I want, and nobody will know.  It's like a little secret with myself. 

...so what do all these things mean?  Well, for starters - they are signs of an eating disorder.  Binge Eating/Compulsive Overeating.

As a kid, I never really struggled with my weight.  It didn't really become a problem until college.  I gained a lot of weight my freshman year, mostly because I lived off of pizza, ramen noodles, and velveeta shells n cheese (I told you, I love cheesy stuff).  So, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had success.  I thought I had it down, so I quit.  This started the cycle of starting and quitting.  I joined and left Weight Watchers about 7 times after that.  I spent the next few years counting points and eating frozen dinners.  Then I just stopped thinking about it all and ate whatever I wanted.  Fast forward to about 2.5 years ago, and I found boot camp.  This was lifechanging.  I was given a meal plan.  I was introduced to "clean" eating.  I started eating vegetables.  I did high intensity workouts frequently.  I started running.  I got in shape, lost the weight, and felt amazing.  Then, I got sick of spending my whole day on Sundays prepping and cooking food.  I got bored eating the same meals day in and day out.  So, I was introduced to a new eating concept called IIFYM (if it fits your macros)/ Flexible Dieting.  It was mindblowing.  I could eat all those foods that were considered "bad" in my mind, I could go to restaurants without stress, and I could change up what I ate on a daily basis.  You can't do IIFYM without tracking what you eat, you just can't.  So, I logged everything I ate into My Fitness Pal.  I was shredding fat and feeling uuuuuhhhhmaaazzziiiing.  Then, things changed.  I started a business.  My coach left.  I started running out of spare time.  I used all these things as an excuse, and I quit.  All of it.  

Since then, I have been turning to food for comfort BIGtime.  Tracking what I eat?? HAHAHAHHA riiiiight. 

As a result of eating whatever I want without thinking, and not working out...I have now put on 40 pounds.  Since December.  O...M..G. 

I've gone from fit, healthy, happy, and confident......to out of shape, zero confidence, and shameful.  I've gone from bright and sunshiney to dark and gloomy.  I'm right back to where I started in 2013.  Actually, I'm worse than where I was then.  You guys, I weigh more now and am bigger now than I've ever been.  If I keep going at this rate, I'll be 200 pounds by the end of June.  No joke.  I've got rolls...on my BACK!  It hurts to tie my shoes because of my gut.  I can't fit into any of my bluejeans.  My sports bra is too small.  My cheeks jiggle when I walk, all 4 of them.  I get out breath all the time.  I didn't even play with my nephew at his 4th birthday party because I was so uncomfortable.

How did this happen?!?  I stopped working out.  I stopped eating healthy.  I stopped caring about me.  I just stopped, all of it.  I was in complete denial, thinking..."oh this one meal won't make me get fat"...and little by little, the pounds kept on coming.  Now, this is where I'm at.  And the only person to blame is myself.  I'm not proud of what's happened, but I'm done hiding it and beating myself up for it.  I'm human, just like you.  I make mistakes, just like you.  

So I've got two choices...do nothing, or do something.  I can either keep making excuses, not really trying, and keep getting bigger.  Or I can suck it up, focus, and achieve my goals.  I choose option #2.  


Here's the plan:

1. Get my eating back under control.  Get back on board with IIFYM.  
2. Do harder workouts.  Sweat more.
3. Stop trying to have a steady routine.  Ain't happenin'.  Life is too nuts.
4. Quit focusing on what I'm afraid will go wrong, and focus on what I want to go right.
5. Get organized. 
6. Focus on one day at a time.  Make it count.
7. Believe in myself.
8. Live in the moment.  Focus on the present, not the past.
9. No more self-sabotage.  I deserve success.
10. Stop making excuses.

I know what you're thinking...yeah yeah, she says she's "done" all the time, says she's not quitting all the time, I've heard this before....blah blah blah.  That's okay.  I'll prove you wrong.  :)

I don't want to be uncomfortable this summer, like I am now.  I want to be able to go to the lake with my husband.  I want to be able to wear shorts and tank tops.  I want to be able to go play.  Besides all that - I'm going on a cruise in 107 days.  If that's not something to work towards, I don't know what is!  

One of my goals for that trip is to just stand on the beach in a bikini and smile, feeling like a million bucks.  

So, get ready for daily posts...pictures of food...selfies...and more!  I'm getting back into the grind and will be losing this dang fluff alllll over again!  One meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time.

 

Just Do YOU!

This year has not been all rainbows and happy times like I had planned, in fact - it's probably been one of my most difficult years yet.  There have been tons of ups and downs, lots of huge changes, and some dark and lonely moments.  I was on the phone with my Dad a few days ago, talking about the crazy lady in my previous post (update on that below) and he said something that stuck with me, "Don't ever waste a crisis."  At the time, I was like yeah yeah...use the rough times as a learning experience, blah blah...but the more I thought about it, the more I realized something huge...

I need to get back to just being me and doing my own thing.  

 

It's in my nature to be a people-pleaser and want everyone to like me.  I don't like conflict.  I don't like it when people are mad at me.  I don't like it when people are disappointed in me.  I don't like it when people try to change me.  But you know what??  I'm friggin' tired of trying to please EVERYone.  I've learned the hard way that there are folks out there that just aren't going to like me or the decisions I make.  There are people who are going to try and knock the wind out of my sails and make me feel incapable of pursuing things.  Unfortunately, that's just a part of life.  I've accepted it.  Now, I'm going to get back to doing what's best for me.  If somebody doesn't like me, the way I do things, or how I act...sorry, have a nice day somewhere else!  

I have gotten SO wrapped up in worrying about everyone else's opinion of me that I have lost my edge.  You can't base how you feel about yourself off of other people's opinions of you, or you will drive yourself crazy.  Opinions are just opinions anyway, not facts.  Life is too short to be so dang worried about other people.  All you can do is be yourself, do your thing, and forget the rest.  

That being said, guess who's upping the intensity of her routine?  This girl. 

I'm going to make time for going to the weight room again, increase the weight I'm using during my morning workouts, and add in more cardio.  In 114 days, I will be stepping on a ship to sail away into the Caribbean with my man (first vacation alone in years), and you can bet your bikini that I'm not spending an entire trip uncomfortable in my own skin!  It's overwhelming to think of how much work I've got to do to get this fluff off, but I'm not going to let it scare me.  I've lost this crap before and I can do it again.  Just one day at a time...

------------------------------------------

For those of you that are wondering what ever happened with crazy face in my last post...she ended up being able to take $2900 away from me.  100% BS?  Yep.  Could I take her to court and fight to get it back?  Yes.  Is it worth the lawyer fees, my time, and the energy?  I don't think so.  Is this the end of it?  I sure as heck hope so. 

Taking Back Control

I just want to start out by saying that this is a pretty long post...had to get a lot off my chest!

I'd say it's pretty obvious that my life has been a struggle lately.  April was pretty much an all-time low for me, especially the last week of it.  I've been hesitant to share a lot of what's been going on out of fear, but I just can't hold it in anymore. 

As yall know, I started a wedding flower business last year.  This has been a life-long dream of mine, and I decided to go for it.  I have a steady full-time job, where I work Monday-Friday from 8-5.  So, I figured that I would just be busy on some weekends and a few evenings.  HA!  Running a business with another job on top of it is no joke.  The time I used to spend working out, prepping meals, doing laundry, having fun, and relaxing began to disappear little by little.  It was okay with me because I was goin full-speed ahead...I was on the success train, with nothing to stop me.  Yeah, I started getting a little fluffy, but I didn't care because I was accomplishing a dream.  I started booking weddings left and right, getting asked to do photoshoots and open houses, getting approached by advertising companies, and the emails flooded in.  I was beyond excited!  I even booked a huge wedding at a very high-end golf club in Horseshoe Bay, and the clients I was working with were super nice.  We would text and email each other several times a day, and we all couldn't wait for the big day!  I worked with them for 6 months, planning all the details with the flowers, and finalizing all the little things.  Leading up to the wedding, I started having a hard time falling asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about how excited I was!  I worked 2.5 days at my full-time job, then I switched into flower-mode.  The flowers arrived at my studio, I'd say a good 25 boxes full (that's a ton of flowers).  These flowers were flown in from all over...Japan, Holland, Chile, and Florida.  I processed them, making sure they all looked perfect and then began working on the designs.  I started with the bride's bouquet, which I always do first because let's face it...that is one of the MOST important things on that day!  It was absolutely gorgeous.  I worked until midnight the first night.  Then, I got up at 7 and worked until 3am the next two days.  That's right - 4 hours of sleep, two days in a row.  The night before the wedding, I remember very clearly...I was sitting on an empty bucked turned upside down, re-reading the final invoice to make sure I hadn't missed a single thing (mind you, this invoice was 5 pages long).  I was surrounded by flowers and greenery, it was about 3:30am, and I got this sinking feeling in my stomach.  I immediately thought to myself, "what if they hate everything?"...and I cried.  I knew that what I had made was beautiful, but I just had this gut feeling that something bad could happen.  I prayed, told myself to shut up, walked home with my flashlight (my studio is just down the driveway), took a shower, and went to sleep for about 3 hours.  Then, I got up and went back to my studio to finish up some last-minute things and begin loading up the box truck.  My husband was by my side to help me with the loading, and my parents and grandma came over with breakfast tacos and to follow us to the venue.  We were all loaded up, and headed out.  From the minute we got to the venue, it was busy busy busy.  Me and my little team worked super hard to install all the flowers!  On top of the centerpieces and everything else, we made this AWESOME flower chandelier that was 5.5' in width at the top, and hung down about 7'.  It. Was. Gorgeous.  The mother of the bride even told my parents that I had exceeded her expectations, that she just loved having me as the florist, and that I should toot my own horn more!  I was on top of the world!!  Receiving compliments from my clients makes all of those long hours of hard work, no sleep, and stress alllllll worth it. 

A few days after the wedding, I emailed the bride and her mother - thanking them both for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a special occasion.  The response I got from them changed me.  They said some of the most hurtful and unimaginable things I've ever heard, here's just a few of those things they said..... that I ruined the wedding, I was unprofessional and a poor amateur, anyone off the street could have done a better job than me, that I didn't care, that I committed fraud, that they were heartbroken, that the "mess" I created would be forever etched into their memory of what could have been a perfect wedding, that I made them sick, and to top things off  -  that having my family work with me was an embarassment.

When I read all of these things, I was in complete shock.  I didn't receive one complaint on the day of the wedding, in fact - just compliments!  So, reading all of that took me by total surprise and totally crushed me.  I knew nothing I said in a response to them would make them happy, so I kept it short, sweet, and professional.  They requested the photographers not send me any pictures from that day, so I won't even get to see how beautiful everything looked.  Now, they have gone so far as to request a "chargeback" from their credit card company, for the full amount of the flowers.  Basically, if it's approved - I'll be taking a huge hit financially.  I've done all I can do to defend myself, and now it's just a waiting game and out of my hands at this point.  It could take another month before I hear an answer.

I'm not sure if I will ever understand the motives behind these people, or how they could do such a thing after looking me in the eye and telling me that they just loved me.  I'd be lying if I said that this experience hasn't made me question whether or not I should continue pursuing my dream.  I've become fearful of future clients, wondering if they are going to butter me up the same way then stab me in the back.  I've began to doubt my abilities as a business owner.  I started drinking a little, not just on the weekends.  I have been clinging on to bitterness and anger towards these people for a month.  I've started eating even more junk food, stuffing down my feelings.  I have felt completely and utterly defeated.  My heart has hardened a bit.  The whole time all this crap has been going on, I have been getting even busier.  I literally can't keep up with my business emails, and I've got a constant line of brides waiting on quotes.  So, instead of driving my success train, I've been hanging off the caboose of it by one little finger!  But hey, at least it's still going - right?

Although this experience isn't completely behind me yet, I have learned A TON.  I've learned that I have an awesome husband and an amazing family.  My husband has been by my side through this whole thing, listening to me vent and trying to encourage me.  My family has been there to help me fight, and taught me how to protect myself from evil people.  I've also learned that I can say "no" to clients I don't want to work with.  If I run across anyone who I even THINK might have a crazy flag...I politely decline, and let them go fly their crazy flag somewhere else!  Not every client is a good match for me, and that's okay.  I've learned to never give up, to keep showing up, and to always stand up for what I believe in.  I've learned that you can't trust most folks, and when you find friends you can lean on - let them know you appreciate them.  I've learned that there is evil in this world, and it doesn't just come in the form of a boogey man. 

So, as if I wasn't struggling enough with balancing my life - all of that happened on top of it.  I have had to give up boot camp because I just don't have time to make it during the week due to photoshoots, etc.  I haven't been eating right because frankly, I haven't cared.  I have been extremely down, depressed even.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I'm sick of wearing the same clothes all the time, and I hate feeling so BLAH!!!!!  So, I have two choices here...either keep stuffing my feelings down with food and pretending I'm okay, or take control and make a change.  I'm choosing to take control and change. 

 

I used to watch a tv show called Tone It Up, it was a reality show about two trainers in California starting their business.  I decided that I'm going to try things their way for a while, and I bought some of their products.  I'm going to HEB after work today to buy some healthy groceries and new foods.  Starting tomorrow, I am going to start getting up early, and doing workouts with their DVD's.  They workout on the beach, so hey - what better way to start the day than on the beach, right?!  I took my measurements last night, and weighed myself this morning.  I'm officially the fluffiest and heaviest I've ever been.  Woo. 

We all have to start somewhere, and even though I'm starting over (again), at least I'm starting.  It's time for me to stop letting my life run me, and for me to start running my life again!!  No more of this being down on myself crap.  I.  Am.  Done.