Jumping Back on the IIFYM Wagon!

Hey, it's time to get real.  I mean, really real....for real.  

Chances are, I have no idea who you are or why you're reading this, but you are.  I'm about to share some things about myself that I'm not proud of, but they are the truth and are things I've been hiding behind guilt and shame.  Why am I doing this?  I don't know, I just want to.  So, what's up?

I like food.  A lot.  Not all foods, but lots of them...mostly cheesy stuff and sweet stuff.  Call me "picky" or whatever, I don't care.  I could live on cheez-its with melted cheese, queso and tortilla chips, and chocolate.  Seriously.  

I'm an emotional eater.  When I'm happy, I eat.  When I'm sad, I eat.  When I'm stressed out, I eat.  Food Food Food.  In my face.  

I like to eat alone.  If nobody is watching me, there's nobody to judge me.  In my car in a parking lot.  On the couch after my husband is in bed.  I can stuff my face with as much junk as I want, and nobody will know.  It's like a little secret with myself. 

...so what do all these things mean?  Well, for starters - they are signs of an eating disorder.  Binge Eating/Compulsive Overeating.

As a kid, I never really struggled with my weight.  It didn't really become a problem until college.  I gained a lot of weight my freshman year, mostly because I lived off of pizza, ramen noodles, and velveeta shells n cheese (I told you, I love cheesy stuff).  So, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had success.  I thought I had it down, so I quit.  This started the cycle of starting and quitting.  I joined and left Weight Watchers about 7 times after that.  I spent the next few years counting points and eating frozen dinners.  Then I just stopped thinking about it all and ate whatever I wanted.  Fast forward to about 2.5 years ago, and I found boot camp.  This was lifechanging.  I was given a meal plan.  I was introduced to "clean" eating.  I started eating vegetables.  I did high intensity workouts frequently.  I started running.  I got in shape, lost the weight, and felt amazing.  Then, I got sick of spending my whole day on Sundays prepping and cooking food.  I got bored eating the same meals day in and day out.  So, I was introduced to a new eating concept called IIFYM (if it fits your macros)/ Flexible Dieting.  It was mindblowing.  I could eat all those foods that were considered "bad" in my mind, I could go to restaurants without stress, and I could change up what I ate on a daily basis.  You can't do IIFYM without tracking what you eat, you just can't.  So, I logged everything I ate into My Fitness Pal.  I was shredding fat and feeling uuuuuhhhhmaaazzziiiing.  Then, things changed.  I started a business.  My coach left.  I started running out of spare time.  I used all these things as an excuse, and I quit.  All of it.  

Since then, I have been turning to food for comfort BIGtime.  Tracking what I eat?? HAHAHAHHA riiiiight. 

As a result of eating whatever I want without thinking, and not working out...I have now put on 40 pounds.  Since December.  O...M..G. 

I've gone from fit, healthy, happy, and confident......to out of shape, zero confidence, and shameful.  I've gone from bright and sunshiney to dark and gloomy.  I'm right back to where I started in 2013.  Actually, I'm worse than where I was then.  You guys, I weigh more now and am bigger now than I've ever been.  If I keep going at this rate, I'll be 200 pounds by the end of June.  No joke.  I've got rolls...on my BACK!  It hurts to tie my shoes because of my gut.  I can't fit into any of my bluejeans.  My sports bra is too small.  My cheeks jiggle when I walk, all 4 of them.  I get out breath all the time.  I didn't even play with my nephew at his 4th birthday party because I was so uncomfortable.

How did this happen?!?  I stopped working out.  I stopped eating healthy.  I stopped caring about me.  I just stopped, all of it.  I was in complete denial, thinking..."oh this one meal won't make me get fat"...and little by little, the pounds kept on coming.  Now, this is where I'm at.  And the only person to blame is myself.  I'm not proud of what's happened, but I'm done hiding it and beating myself up for it.  I'm human, just like you.  I make mistakes, just like you.  

So I've got two choices...do nothing, or do something.  I can either keep making excuses, not really trying, and keep getting bigger.  Or I can suck it up, focus, and achieve my goals.  I choose option #2.  


Here's the plan:

1. Get my eating back under control.  Get back on board with IIFYM.  
2. Do harder workouts.  Sweat more.
3. Stop trying to have a steady routine.  Ain't happenin'.  Life is too nuts.
4. Quit focusing on what I'm afraid will go wrong, and focus on what I want to go right.
5. Get organized. 
6. Focus on one day at a time.  Make it count.
7. Believe in myself.
8. Live in the moment.  Focus on the present, not the past.
9. No more self-sabotage.  I deserve success.
10. Stop making excuses.

I know what you're thinking...yeah yeah, she says she's "done" all the time, says she's not quitting all the time, I've heard this before....blah blah blah.  That's okay.  I'll prove you wrong.  :)

I don't want to be uncomfortable this summer, like I am now.  I want to be able to go to the lake with my husband.  I want to be able to wear shorts and tank tops.  I want to be able to go play.  Besides all that - I'm going on a cruise in 107 days.  If that's not something to work towards, I don't know what is!  

One of my goals for that trip is to just stand on the beach in a bikini and smile, feeling like a million bucks.  

So, get ready for daily posts...pictures of food...selfies...and more!  I'm getting back into the grind and will be losing this dang fluff alllll over again!  One meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time.