Lately...

I have been debating on whether or not to write this blog post for the past few days.  I do my best to be as real and transparent with my journey as possible because I'm an honest person, and I think that if sharing my struggles can help one person out there-then it's worth it.  So don't judge me.  With that being said, here's what's been going on in my world lately.

On Friday night, I went out to dinner with my boot camp buddies.  We went to a Mexican restaurant, and I had 3 margaritas, bean and cheese quesadillas, and chips.  I had a blast!  I remember thinking...I'm in a fancy restaurant, in Austin, with friends, sweet!  I haven't had a group of close friends since high school, so it's a big deal to me.  

On Saturday, I went to a birthday party with my hubby.  I ate a hot dog, chips, cookie cake, and I drank an entire bottle of wine.  Yes, I said a whole bottle.  I haven't been to a house party in like 3 years, and it was fun.  

Now it's Sunday.  And I'm sitting on the grass in the middle of the park with sweat dripping off my nose from doing a rough workout.  It's the same workout I like to do on the weekends, except this time I was only able to do it for one round...barely.  I got up this morning and cooked some food to grab and go for the week, then decided it was time to sweat.  Mission accomplished.

For about a week now, I have been doing lots of thinking.  I've made it a point to turn off the tv, be still, and just think.  Why am I doing this?  What are my goals?  What made me start this?  What's driving me?  Why am I so stressed out?  Why do I keep screwing up?  Why am I so hard on myself?  

First off, I started this journey for ME.  I want to be healthy and in shape because I want to have a good life.  I like being able to do things I used to couldn't, and I like the way I feel when I'm taking care of myself.  I started my Facebook page and blog because I wanted to show people the true story of a normal person working to get healthy...struggles and all.  It also helps me to look back and see my progress.  

Second, I think I have been super stressed out because of the amount of changes that are happening so fast in my life.  I started a business in March, and it took off like a dadgum wildfire before I even blinked.  I changed my eating habits from "clean" and the same meal plan every single day to iifym (if it fits your macros).  Those two things have had a huge impact on me. My spare time is no longer spent just hanging out, I'm constantly thinking about/working on my business and trying to make it a success.  I spend more time logging food and trying to figure out what to eat.  IIFYM opened up the door to foods I have restricted myself from for so long that it's hard for me to not go crazy.  I mean, I didn't eat anything that wasn't on my meal plan, and now I can eat whatever I want (within reason) that fits my macros.  Not gonna lie, I love iifym, but it has been a real mental struggle for me to make that transition.  I know what to do, but that doesn't make it easy!  

Third, my body is changing.  People say things to me like "You're smaller every time I see you...your arms are getting muscular...your butt looks really good...your muscle definition is awesome"...and I honestly want to turn around to make sure they aren't talking to someone behind me.  These are all things that I have not heard often, cause I was always fluffy.  I just don't see it as much as they do I guess.  From my reflection to pictures, it's hard for me to see unless I put pictures side by side.  When I was in 7th grade, someone (who was supposed to be my boyfriend) called me a "tank ass", and I used to knock stuff over with my butt cause it was so big.  That has stuck with me for years, and that's probably why I'm so self conscious of my lower half.  So when I get complimented on that area, it's weird.

Wow, I am totally rambling.  So, back to what I've been thinking about lately...goals.  I have new ones.  I want to hit 19% body fat by the end of this year, I'm going to start lifting weights, and reading more books.  I'm going to remember that I have to take things one step at a time and stop trying to do a thousand things all at once.  I'm going to focus on building muscle and burning fat.  I'm going to remember that food is fuel, not therapy.  I'm going to breathe.  And I'm going to remember what my coach told me the other day.  She said "You are you and that alone is enough".  

It's easy to get caught up in the race sometimes and feel like you have to compete.  But you don't.  Titles, money, and things don't make you who you are.  You are you, and that's enough.

:)